Delbert's mistakes cost him double
An uncomfortable feeling filled the air of Doreen's 24 HR Eat Gas Now Cafe as the Hunting Club membership was forced to sit in the center of the room.
A group of very animated ladies occupied our traditional round corner booth. It was the first time in years that we'd been forced out.
On this particular Saturday afternoon, the ladies all were dressed in what we used to call "Sunday clothes." We, on the other hand, looked our usual scruffy selves.
And Doreen didn't really want us in the cafe, either. "You guys need to go somewhere else today," she told us before we could even order coffee.
"Just because you have some well-dressed people in here for once doesn't mean you can just kick us out," the Cap'n said.
She glanced over at the ladies with affection.
"They're my high school buddies," she said. "About once a month they get all dolled up and go to town for a good time. They're waiting on me to get off in an hour, so I can go with them."
"You don't have to set a time to get off," Doc said. "You own the place. You're not on a work schedule."
"I'm waiting for Trixie to get here. Then I can go. And I'm not trying to kick you guys out because of them. Every year at this time y'all gang up in here until May because the weather is bad and there are no hunting seasons left, so you just sit and moan and usually get in trouble. Go somewhere else."
I looked outside at the trees bending in a 30-mile-an-hour wind.
"There's nothing to do out there," I said. "We'll just sit in here until you all leave, and then we can have our booth back."
"You're just like a bunch of spoiled little kids," Doreen said angrily. "That booth doesn't belong to you. Y'all just get in here early and homestead the place. Go sit on the other side of the room."
Delbert P. Axelrod, who had his back to the chatty women, had to raise his voice to be heard over their loud conversation.
"We don't like that side of the room. We like it here, closer to the coffee pot."
Doreen walked across the cafe and plunked a pot down on an empty table. "No more excuses."
Doc tried to diffuse the situation. "We were planning on going fishing today, but the wind just went insane."
Woodrow tried to respond, but very loud, hysterical laughter erupted from the booth and spilled into the rest of the cafe.
"We're never that loud," Woodrow shouted.
Unfortunately, the ladies all went silent at that very moment, like rooms full of loud people are sometimes wont to do.
Embarrassed, Woodrow bent over to tie his shoe and hide under the table, only he was wearing boots, and, along with Delbert, his back was to the ladies. His shirt rode up. His pants gapped, and the women howled with laughter when someone uttered the words: "just say no to crack."
Doreen raised an eyebrow and watched us wiggle like worms on a hook. "You guys just keep putting your feet in your mouths."
Wrong Willie frowned. "Isn't that 'put your foot in your mouth?'"
"Yep, but together, you're plural."
"Ah," he said when nothing else came to mind.
Trixie blew through the front door, along with a scattering of leaves, and the Club members rejoiced at her appearance and the impending departure of both the loud ladies and Doreen.
Seeing Trixie come in, a couple of the women slid around the leatherette seat and stood waiting while others wiggled and grunted to get out.
Delbert looked over his shoulder, sensing several people standing behind him.
Woodrow slid forward to give them room, then leaned protectively over his coffee cup while holding his shirttail down in back.
I noticed Delbert frown when he looked over his shoulder, and followed his gaze.
The world slowed down. One of the ladies with her back to Delbert had encountered a problem that many women have known. When she stood, her loose skirt got caught in a way that usually requires the wearer to free it.
Delbert did it for her.
After he pulled the skirt with two delicate fingers and smiled in satisfaction, Delbert's eyes grew big and his smile disappeared. He'd realized what he'd done, but by then, it was too late.
The lady whirled with a fierce, whistling backhand and hit Delbert so hard in the eye that his head wobbled like a bobble-head doll.
All parties were so shocked by the sudden events that we froze while Delbert's eyes rattled around in his head.
"I'm sorry," Doreen told her friend. Then she turned on us. "See what kind of trouble I was talking about. You guys get out of here!"
The offended lady turned to her friends, her back once again to Delbert. "Well, I never ...."
And then the world slowed yet again as Delbert tried to make things right. I started to shout for him to stop. Doc raised a hand to fend off Delbert's move. Woodrow and Wrong Willie began to bolt from their seats toward the safety of the parking lot, and the Cap'n hid his eyes as Delbert, holding out his index finger, reached out to poke the dress back in where it was in the first place.
Doreen was right. We should have gone fishing.
The good news is that the swelling in both of Delbert's eyes should be gone by the time turkey season rolls around.
• Reavis Wortham's e-mail address is r.wortham@tx.rr.com.
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